Team Angel Clay

Everyone knows the saying, ‘I saw my life flash before my eyes,’ but I say it slightly differently. On February 8th, 2013, ‘I saw my dream flash right before my eyes.’

Since I was little, my dream was to start a family and, when I got married in August of 2008, I hoped and prayed for my dream to come true.

On September 27th, almost exactly 4 years later, my dream was finally coming true. After three tests and three little blue positive signs, I was absolutely ecstatic. It wasn’t two weeks later, my husband and I were telling both of our families our news.

After all the anticipation leading up to this pregnancy, words cannot even begin to describe our excitement as we saw our ‘peanut’ at the first ultrasound.

The following three months we were convinced it was a boy, which was confirmed during the 20 week ultrasound on January 16th. The excitement was short-lived, as we got a phone call from the doctor to return back to the office right away. As we returned to the office, we could not believe this was happening to us.

As it turned out, the radiologist had seen something in the ultrasound that wasn’t quite right and they suggested we go see a specialist right away. As we informed our families of the recent news, it was evident how much this little boy already meant to them.

After a very restless night in the hotel, we went to the appointment to find out what was wrong. The specialist explained to us that they were seeing structural issues, but nothing appeared to be serious. Now we were just left to wait for test results. The whole ride home to Sidney, our little boy was doing somersaults. This being the first time that I knew without a doubt it was him moving, made me feel much better about the news we had received. My son was a fighter.

Two long weeks later, we received the call that could make or break us, test results. It showed nothing genetically abnormal. The specialist was still concerned, so we were set up to see him February 6th, again.

The early morning of the 5th, something in the back of my mind was telling me something was wrong. After sitting in the rocking chair, in the room that was slowly turning into his nursery, I woke up my husband. Call it ‘motherly instinct’, but I knew something was wrong.

As we walked in to the emergency room, I was a mix of emotions. I was taken straight to the OB wing, with the assumption I was in pre-term labor. After ruling that out, we looked for the baby’s heartbeat. His heartbeat was very weak and he probably wasn’t going to make it. The next day we went in to discover that our little man had passed away.

Two days later, on February 8th, I delivered our baby at just 23 weeks gestation. That day I held my dream in my arm, my 1 pound 6 ounce baby boy.

We already had a name picked out for him. Our Clay William was a fighter, but just not quite strong enough.

As we planned out his funeral, it seemed so unreal. As family started arriving from states away, we once again were shown how much Clay was already loved.

Now we look at all the blessings that were disguised as our son’s death. One of the most prominent blessings we see is that if he would have made it, he would have struggled and possibly been handicapped. Although we were already prepared and ready to take care of him no matter what, we both knew it was the best for him.

With the amount of support my husband and I have received from the community throughout our journey, I want to help inform and comfort others in their times of struggle. The easiest way I know to do this is to direct everyone to the March of Dimes. Their website, http://www.marchofdimes.com, holds a lot of valuable information regarding pregnancy, baby care, birth defects and baby-loss.

Through research, the March of Dimes is ‘working together for stronger, healthier babies.’

They use community walks, known as the March for Babies, to educate the public and to raise funds. On April 13th, the Eastern Montana March for Babies will be held in Sidney. One will also be held in Williston on May 18th.

My team, Team Angel Clay, will be attending this walk, as well as many others across the country, in order to help support March of Dimes. If you would like to join me on Team Angel Clay or just donate to March of Dimes in memory of my son, you can go to http://www.marchforbabies.org. Just look up ‘ashley harris’ under ‘find a walker’, pick the NE MT one, and you will be given an option to either join or to donate.

Through the story of my loss, I want to show others they are not alone and can find support locally or through a website like March of Dimes.