October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM). All of us here at Richland County Coalition Against Domestic Violence are disturbed by the recent events surrounding Ray and Janay Rice, and even more disturbed by some of the public backlash and overall lack of understanding of the dynamics of domestic violence by those with the power to hold perpetrators accountable. Listening to all the news about this incident, we have noticed that the NFL is being blamed and, if you really listen, the victim is also being publicly flogged for staying in the relationship. Place blame where blame is due, on Ray Rice.
Regardless of what the NFL knew or did not know, Rice is the one who hurt his wife. Rice is the only person who could have stopped the incident from happening. However, in the video we do see that another gentleman gets onto the elevator by walking around the victim who is lying on the floor. It is our understanding that Rice told the gentleman that his wife was intoxicated. Even if he believed Rice’s story, what else could or should this man, this bystander, have done? We assume this gentleman did believe Rice’s story or he would have called the police. We also believe that this gentleman had to have questioned in his mind, at some point, why Rice was not assisting his wife if she was that intoxicated. This man may have been the only other person who could have helped the victim to safety that night, but he did not have enough knowledge about the relationship to make it happen.
The victim may have been more likely to press charges the night of the incident if police had come, and she might have even been more accepting of the seriousness of the situation. She is now minimizing the incident and probably feels embarrassed about the world seeing what happened between her and Ray. The fact that she married him after the assault is her own business; we as bystanders have no right to judge her. At this point, she is probably feeling as if she is being punished as much as Ray is. The couple has lost their financial stability and because they will spend a great deal of time together under the stress of defending themselves to the world, the probability of another blow up is high.
Unfortunately, what happened between the Rices is not uncommon. The hardest thing for most people to understand is why the victim stays. There are many threats in a violent relationship. These threats may be that the offender will commit suicide if the victim leaves, that the offender will kill the victim and/or their family, or that the offender will take the children away. Yes, it can get frustrating watching a friend or family member leave and return to an abusive relationship. Keep in mind that the victim knows their situation best, and they must do what they feel is right for their safety.
Bystanders are an essential piece of the victim safety puzzle. For example, if you are at a friend’s house and one partner starts to physically harm or make threats of harm to the other partner, you are responsible to make the call to police. Leaving without doing something to keep the victim safe is not an option. There is no innocence in being a bystander when you know abuse is happening. If you witness the violence, or even if you hear your neighbors fighting, call the police. If it turns out that the situation was just a heated argument, don’t feel bad; you may have just saved someone from harm.
Please stop by the Meadowlark Brewery on October 6th from 9-11 AM for coffee and to learn more ways to stay safe by taking part in a Damsel in Defense demonstration where you can place an order or just listen in. There is no pressure to buy anything. There will also be another demonstration at the Solid Rock coffee shop on October 23rd from 2-4 PM. RCCADV will be providing coffee for the first 20 people at both demonstrations.
The Richland County Coalition Against Domestic Violence serves Richland and McCone Counties. If you or someone you know is in a violent relationship and need help, please call us at 406-433-7421, all calls are confidential.
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