Rebuilding A Support System

Moving to a new location always means leaving family, friends, and neighbors behind. This relocation to a new area severs a support system with one sharp cut. The loss of a familiar trusted network of those you rely on never comes easily, and for our mental health we need to develop a new safety net in the community where we have relocated to. It doesn’t matter whether someone has recently graduated from high school and leaves home for further education, or whether a new job calls a person to try a new adventure in an unfamiliar environment. No matter the age or the reason for leaving the security of family and friends, this loss is difficult and can cause intense anguish for people.

We can still email friends left behind, we can text, we can phone, but we can’t walk down the street and visit face-to-face to discuss our joys, fears, triumphs, and defeats. There is no one to laugh with us or cry with us, so we have to face life on our own until we can find other like-minded individuals that will form the nucleus of a new support system.

A move can make one feel bereft. This emptiness magnifies the inevitable disappointments and setbacks one encounters in a new environment. Victories don’t seem quite so impressive if there is no one to share them with. Challenges can become totally overwhelming, and dealing with life gets harder and harder. Therefore it is a necessity to develop a network of friends and neighbors in the new location who genuinely care and who can offer help, friendship and support when needed.

I speak from experience. I moved to Virginia City last fall, leaving my family, friends and neighbors in eastern Montana behind, and although I am for the most part quite content with solitude, I do know the importance of cultivating a support system. I had just forgotten how long it can take to build new friendships and new trusts.

So how does one begin the process of starting over, meeting potential friends, and constructing a new life complete with the necessary support system? It begins with one step at a time. It also may mean stepping outside the comfort parameters we have set for ourselves and try something unusual, such as checking out a function we normally would never dream of attending. Sometimes it may feel like a person takes one step forward and two steps back, but as long as we continue to put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving, we win. We do the best we can under the circumstances as we understand them at the time, and that counts more than anything else.

I had too much on my plate the first few weeks at my new job to worry about meeting anyone, so I didn’t consciously think about connecting with people in the area after I moved to Virginia City. I did walk my dog several times during the course of each day, and I did meet people often enough during these excursions, many of whom were out walking their own dogs, to build a nodding acquaintance with them.

Virginia City is basically a ghost town from October through April. It has no gas station, no grocery store, no hardware store, no nothing except a creamery that serves as a coffee shop and lunch room from Monday through Thursday, a mercantile store that sells a few essential groceries, a bar that serves as the gossip center and gathering place, and the Virginia City Café, open from Thursday through Sunday during the winter months. I like this emptiness and quiet, but it also puts a damper on meeting people and forming new friendships.

Daily life often provides an avenue that allows paths to cross again and again. The Virginia City Café offered me an opportunity to begin the process of recognizing familiar faces and striking up new friendships and opportunities. In an effort to acquaint myself with the locals and with the hopes of finding a few souls that would become more than merely individuals with names, I began the habit of stopping in at the café on Saturday mornings for coffee. I got to know the proprietors quite well; in fact they have become friends and have offered me a part time job on weekends during tourist season, a job I happily accepted. With my husband gone half the time, as we have a house to babysit in Crane until we can get it sold, the café provided a warm spot to enjoy a cup of coffee and visit with the patrons, many of whom have extremely interesting life stories.

A few enterprising people also operate a farmers’ market every weekend in December until Christmas at the Artisan’s building, a small log structure which originally served as a schoolhouse until someone converted it into an arts and crafts shop. Customers can purchase anything from homemade breads, cakes, and cookies to books, handmade soaps and other crafts. This gathering also provided me with an opportunity to mingle with people and conduct conversations.

I did get to know several people fairly well through this avenue, and because of this weekly outing I ultimately met a wonderful lady at another gathering who since has become a true friend.

This welcomed encounter happened two Saturdays before Christmas. My husband was in Crane tending to a house we had for sale there. My part of the world in western Montana had cold, clouds, snow, and dreary weather. Consequently my spirits had sunk to an all-time low. I wanted some of the delectable bread a local resident bakes in his outdoor stone oven and offers during the market, and I also wanted some of the double chocolate cake always available there as well, so I visited the farmers’ market with the expectation of purchasing some comfort food that would help improve my mood. One of the ladies there whom I had gotten to know advised me that the Pioneer Bar would host its annual Christmas party and dinner that evening, free for Virginia City residents. It seems that the Pioneer Bar throws a Christmas party for locals every year, complete with a free Christmas dinner cooked and served by the folks who operate the Virginia City Café.

Normally I am not a party person. I prefer the peace and quiet of my own home, but this time I decided to try something different. I decided I would walk up to the bar and have a few glasses of wine, and if I met someone to talk to, fine. If I did not, I could always come home after the free dinner with nothing gained, nothing lost.

The evening got off to a slow start. I sat by myself, had a glass of wine, and decided that I would have one more glass of Christmas cheer and then just go home. About that time, a lady walked in and asked if she could sit with me. I said certainly, and that was the start of a meaningful relationship. It turns out this lady and I have a lot in common, we are kindred spirits in many ways, and we talked almost nonstop for the next few hours. We enjoyed an excellent Christmas dinner together, and got back in touch with each other the next day. She has since become a wonderful friend.

The process of meeting people continued. Rod arrived for the holidays the following weekend, and we attended the Virginia City community potluck Christmas party. We met a few new people, enjoyed terrific food and were pleased we had attended this function.

Since Christmas, Rod has begun attending the senior lunches, held each Tuesday and Thursday at the creamery. This opportunity has provided him with the chance to meet all sorts of people, not merely the senior element of Virginia City.

The process of becoming part of a new community takes time and a little effort, but a newcomer needs to find a few close associates in order to survive mentally, and that is what we have done. I miss my irreplaceable friends and neighbors in eastern Montana, but I have met some very good people here in Madison County, a few of whom have already become trustworthy friends and confidants.

I guess my point is that while it is hard to leave friends and family behind, sometimes that is how life turns out, and in order to thrive in a new environment, we must build a new network of people we can trust and confide in. This sometimes requires a little bit of an effort to meet these new people who will eventually form our circle of support, but it is well worth the effort in the joys and peace of mind this new support system provides.

 

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